i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
