his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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