I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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