Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
