cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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