She's JV to your varsity
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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