If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
