But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
