I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
