Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
