You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize