Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
