just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
