Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
