Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
