saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
