A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
