I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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