Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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