That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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