Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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