She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I forgot how hot balto sounded
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize