I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
