My first STD was from a foam party
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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