i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize