Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
