I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
