Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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