I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
