peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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