So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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