Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
