i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
