I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
