I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
