if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
