You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize