Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Randomize
