i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
