so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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