Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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