last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
