I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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