Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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