Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
