I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
