Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize