No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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