dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
