omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
