I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
