don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
