This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
