he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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