i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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