So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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