the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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