she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
