I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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