i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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